Like A Broken Vessel

**About a year or so ago, I was asked to speak in my church on depression.  It was a really difficult task and the process of writing all my thoughts down often left me gasping for breath as I recalled, emotionally and physically, the pain I had suffered over the years.  

My Bishop suggested that I submit the talk to our Church's magazines...but I just haven't been able to find the courage to do it.  

Lately, I have been prompted to share this talk and be more open about my personal struggles.  I have tried sitting down to it and revising the talk as it needs to be like 2,000 words less than it is....

Still terrified to do so, I am going forward with faith and promptings and just letting it all out here on my blog.  I don't know if it will help anyone.  Maybe it is just for me, again.  But I hope it does touch someones life in even a small way...letting them know that they are not alone.***

The talks I have been asked to reference in regards to my message today are taken from the Conference talks of our Prophet, President Monson titled , "We Never Walk Alone" and from Elder Holland "Like A Broken Vessel"

My heart is full of remembrances' of past heartaches and the divine hand of God in my life that got me through the greatest trial of my life. That trial was a 5 year battle with debilitating depression. I normally don't write out my talks word for word, but the things that I have felt prompted to share today are so personal and tender, I felt the only way I could get through this without crying uncontrollably was to write it all down. I hope that I can still share the things in my heart and the things that the Lord would have you hear today.  May your prayers be with me so that I can speak boldly and that the words I say will be uplifting to you. 

Let me begin by declaring----Depression is not a choice.  It is not a punishment.  It is not a cry for attention.  It is a very real and very scary thing that afflicts both old and young.  It is not a sign of un-worthiness.  It is not a reflection of your spiritual well being.  It is a mental illness.  Just as real as cancer and often just as debilitating.

To quote Elder Holland, it is "an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person's ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively...No, this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement." 

While in the depths of my personal trial, I remember watching Oprah and hearing someone on the show talk about depression in this way. "Depression is like sitting on a couch and 5 feet away from you is a magic wand and you know if you can just pick up that magic wand you will be cured and all the pain will go away...but you just can't get off the couch".

In organizing my thoughts today I have decided to first share some steps that Elder Holland has outlined as ways to prevent a depressive episode and then I want to share the steps of how to get through and survive depression if you are currently on the battlefield.

First--- Prevention:

Elder Holland outlines that the first step is:

#1 Watch for stress indicators: Try to identify the things in your life that cause you stress. Once you have identified them, find ways to avoid those things.  I have identified that I cannot watch certain types of movies that have intense scenes when I am working on preventing a depressive episode.  I once was in a very stressful family situation overseas and we decided to watch the film "Mimsy".   A really cute movie, but also very intense.  My mom said she was watching me as my body became more and more tense and a look passed over my eyes that she had not seen before.  After the movie was over, the family situation escalated and I started to have a panic attack.  

I had never had one before and it was terrifying.  Everything in my mind and body was screaming for me to jump out the window.   Thankfully, my mom and younger sister were able to calm me down and I rested and replenished for the rest of the night.  But I have identified intense films as a stress indicator and I now know to avoid them when I feel a depressive episode coming on.

#2 Make adjustments immediately when you start to feel depleted.  Slow down. Rest up. Replenish.  And Refill.   Recently I had to ask to be released from a Stake calling.  I was serving as the Stake Primary Secretary and at the end of the first year of that calling, I had to make some changes in my life that were very dramatic.  Our family was struggling with a trial that needed more of my attention than I was able to give.  I struggled to juggle it all but realized I was losing and I could feel the cloud of depression and anxiety starting to come over me.  I knew I needed to make a change. 

I prayed and struggled and sought guidance on what I should do, and the answer was clear.  I needed to ask for a release.   It was not easy to do and I felt horrible and unworthy for asking for the release but I was sure that that was what the Lord was telling me to do.  When the High Councilman over Primary, and his wife, the Primary President I served under, came to my home to offer the release, the Sister told me that she had been praying to know if I should be released and felt prompted that I should but that I needed to make that decision for myself.  It needed to come from me; it was a lesson the Lord wanted me to learn. 

She could see how I was struggling and her prayers were heard.  I later found out that one of the Counselors in our Presidency was praying for me as well.  They truly knew my need and they loved me enough to let me go.  

If those steps do not work, and you are cast into the chasm of depression...your first step is to:

#1 Seek Counseling.  Elder Holland states: "If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available.  So too with emotional disorders.  Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation."

Throughout my life, I have seen many different counselors for many different reasons.  In the first years of our marriage, I sought counseling to heal from a past abuse that was affecting my ability to love my husband the way I wanted to so desperately.  

When my parents divorced about 5 years ago, I sought counseling to heal from the emotional turmoil that shook my core and tormented my soul.

But when I was in the midst of my depression, counseling was the furthest thing from my mind.  I felt crazy.  Un-loveable.  Broken.  Useless.  I felt that no amount of prayer or fasting or scripture reading would ever make me feel better. 

I was so scared.  There was a time that I dealt with agoraphobia, where I was terrified of going outdoors.  I couldn't do my laundry in the laundry center across the parking lot from my apartment, check the mail, or even answer the door.  Even a knock at the door would send me into a panic.  

The things I was feeling and the thoughts in my head were so dark and terrifying that I thought if anyone knew them, surely they would take my child away from me.  I was sure that I would never recover and whatever the counselor had to say to me it surely would not help.  I felt beyond repair.  

At some point, I relented, and the advice I received help quell the storm temporarily.  But the war in my mind was not over just because one battle was won.  

This leads to step:

 #2...BE HONEST and Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel and solutions the counselors prescribe.  

It is not enough to just go to counseling and listen to the words of comfort they offer.  You have to actually use the tools given.  It is also imperative that you are completely honest with them, even when the truth is the scariest thing in your mind and telling them feels like the most dangerous and reckless thing to do.  

Trust me when I say that Satan is well aware of the workings in your mind.  He is aware of the dysfunction that is causing this suffering and he is using his greatest tools on you at your weakest point.  The lies he feeds a depressed mind are dark and he wants nothing more than for you to succumb to the darkness and lose that last bit of hope that is in you.   

I was there.  I was in that chasm.  The smile that I wore on my face was a mask that was covering up a deep loneliness and fear.  

At the lowest point in my depression, I was serving as a counselor in my Ward's Primary. One particular Sunday my mask felt heavy and I just couldn't wear it anymore.  The depletion must have shown on my face and on my countenance.  I was pulled aside during sharing time and asked if I was ok by the other counselor in our Presidency.  

I told her I was fine, but the Spirit told her that I wasn't.  She kept pressing and I finally broke down.  I told her that I just couldn't do it anymore.  The world was just too much.  The darkness too great.  I felt that if I just disappeared, everything would be better. 

I felt that eventually my family would get over not having me in their life.  They would move on and be happier for it.  I was so totally convinced that this was the only good and honorable thing to do.  I truly felt that this was the only way out. 

I swore my friend to secrecy and plead with her not to tell anyone what I had told her and then I reassured her that all was well and that I had the situation under control. 

That same afternoon, 2 members of the Bishopric came to my house to check on me.  They asked me how I was feeling. I responded with my famous answer, "I am just fine, thank you."  They told me that a friend of mine was worried about me and thought I could use some immediate help.  I assured them again, with a smile on my face, that all was well and they did not need to worry.  

After they left, I called my friend to tell her how upset I was that she broke a confidence with me.  She replied tearfully and meekly that she would never be able to live with herself if I followed through with the thoughts in my mind knowing that she didn't say anything to help prevent it.  I was very angry with her but also there was a glimmer of  happiness, in that a hand had been extended to me that I was finally willing to take hold of.  

I was sent back to counseling and I was to visit with my Bishop every Sunday after Church to check in with him.  My friend called me every day to check in also and many days she heard the real truth in my voice even when I said I was fine, and she would take the kids for the day and sometimes overnight.  

When I went to my first meeting with my new counselor, I was shocked by his youth and put up immediate walls against him.  

I decided in those first moments that there was no way a young man that seemed nearly my own age had anything worth sharing with me that could possibly help.  I was so irritated and I just wanted to walk out.  He told me, "Olivia, the woman that sits before me now is not the same woman that your Bishop described."  I laughed and with a smile I said, "Oh I know.  This is just a mask.  I don't trust you enough to take it off yet.  But we'll see how this goes and take it from there."  

He replied with a "fair enough" attitude and we did indeed take it from there.  Over the period of our professional relationship, he saw more tears and more honest emotions from me than I was even willing to share with my husband.  

A few Sundays into my transformation, I overheard my Bishop say to my friend, "You know you saved her life."  

She did.  

#4 Rejoice in the small victories.

The victories may seem silly to some, but taking a shower, getting dressed, or eating a decent meal can be some of the hardest tasks and some of your greatest triumphs.  During those first days of healing, my Bishop counseled me to do only one thing.  Read.  I was not to think, watch TV, go outside or do anything until my husband came home every day.  If I got dressed that day, it was a victory and I should rejoice.  But other than feeding my kids and changing messy diapers, I was to only READ.  

I added a #5 to this list DO NOT GIVE UP or GIVE IN

In President Monson's talk, he shares a story of woman named Tiffany who was in a similar battle with depression.  Tiffany sought comfort from the scriptures and from prayer, but when peace did not come she felt abandoned by God.  Eating became a difficulty to her and she started to lose weight. 

Her friends and family were very worried about her. After an unsuccessful attempt of trying to get her to eat, one day, a friend asked, "'There must be something that sounds good to you.' Tiffany thought for a moment and said, 'The only thing I can think of that sounds good is homemade bread.'  But there was none on hand.  

The following afternoon Tiffany's doorbell rang.  Her husband happened to be home and answered it.  When he returned, he was carrying a loaf of homemade bread.  Tiffany was astonished when he told her it had come from a woman named Sherrie, whom they barely knew.  She was a friend of Tiffany's sister Nicole who lived in Denver, Colorado."  

To summarize the rest of the story, Sherrie felt prompted to not only make a second loaf of bread that day but to take it with her on her errands, and then deliver it to a woman that she had just briefly met who lived 30 min in the opposite direction that she needed to be in to put her crying one year old down for a nap.   

I don't know the rest of the story, but I would venture a guess to say that that loaf of bread saved Tiffany's life.  

Elder Holland further counsels:

#1 To never lose faith in God's love for you

#2 To "FAITHFULLY pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life."

#3 To seek counsel and blessings from the priesthood holders in your life.

#4 To take the Sacrament and remember the Atonement.

and finally...

#5 To believe in miracles. 

I testify that these last five steps will help all of us stand the test of trials and refining fires in our lives.  They are tools that are necessary to heal when used with the other tools such as counseling and medication.  

They will also help us when we are simply lonely or having a tough time.  They help us just as much as when all is well.  If I had not used these tools in conjunction with the help of counselors, Drs. and medications, I might still be fighting a battle in my mind.  

I testify that the Lord can and does work miracles in our lives.  He gave me a miracle when he placed my friend in my life at the time when I needed her most.  He gave me a miracle when He gave me the most wonderful, patient, and compassionate husband in the world.  He continues to work miracles in my life will continue to do so as long as I remain faithful to my covenants.

From Elder Holland, "Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters- mental or emotional or physical or otherwise- do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God.  Hold on in His love.  Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee.  Though we may feel we are 'like a broken vessel,' as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter.  Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed.  While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind." 

Now I would like to address those who are in relationships with people who are suffering from depression. Like Elder Holland says, be patient. I know it is not easy to do.  Let go of the idea that if you could just say the right thing, the right phrase, it would make it all better.  It won't.  I know there are some days when you just want to put your hands on your loved ones shoulders and just shake them out of it!  I am sure some days phrases go through your mind such as: "Just snap out of it!  Stop it!  This is ridiculous! Not this again!  Why are you acting this way?  OR Can't you just feel better?" 

Trust me, your loved one is saying those same things to themselves and would that it were that easy.  They want to feel better just as much as you want them to but the light at the end of the tunnel is simply overshadowed and hope seems like a distant memory.   Just love them.  Love them, love them, love them.  Elder Holland says, "...try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task.  

Don't assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can.  Whatever else you may or may not be able to provide, you can offer your prayers and you can give 'love unfeigned'.  Charity never faileth" 

 If all you can offer is a shoulder, clean dishes in the cupboard, or a loaf of bread...give what you can.  Don't ask what you can do, just DO SOMETHING.  In the beginning it may make them angry.  They may feel like YOU think they are incapable or lazy.  Keep doing it anyway. Let the Spirit be your guide. Eventually they will be able to let you in and they will be so glad you never.. gave..  up! 

Elder Holland says, "I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind." 

The charity that you give your loved ones will be magnified by God.  Trust Him and continue to serve and give what you can. 

I would like to close by quoting our dear Prophet:

"My dear sisters [- and I add brothers-] your Heavenly Father loves you- each of you.  That love never changes.  It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account.  It is not changed by your talents and abilities.  It is simply there.  It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful.  God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love.  It is simply always there."

I add my witness and testimony of this truth as I have felt His unconditional love in my life.  Especially in those moments when I felt unlovable.  He loves us.   All of us....I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.