Jesus Wept...then so can I
It's been a week. A week and one day to be exact. Has it gotten easier? No. No it hasn't. It's gotten different.
Now I am angry.... Stage 2.
I am angry that my baby is not inside of me anymore. I am angry that I don't get to hold his hand in 6 months and look in his eyes and give him kisses. I am angry and sad and lonely.
Does this mean I have lost my faith? Does this mean I don't trust God? Does this mean that I am not letting the Atonement heal my broken heart? No. None of that.
I KNOW Elliott Milton Heilmann is mine forever. I KNOW I will see him again. I KNOW that he is with God. I KNOW that he was here and now he is not for reasons unknown to me but known to God and I accept that.
Does it take away the pain?
No.
Does it take away the despair?
No.
Does it make me feel sunshine and rainbows?
No.
John 11:35
Jesus wept.
Why? He knew where Lazarus was better than any of us could comprehend!! So why did he weep? He WEPT. He didn't get teary eyed and offer condolences. He wept! I can only guess but I am sure it has something to do with
Mosiah 18:9 and Romans 12:15
It is what we do as children of God. We FEEL. We HURT. We CRY. But we still have faith. We still trust.
I am not sitting here stomping around my house and crying non stop. It comes and goes. I let it come and I let it go. Then I let it come again. I don't push it down or hide it away.
I CHOSE to share this. I CHOOSE to keep sharing it. I don't know why other than it feels like the right thing to do for me and maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else who is grieving too.
Will I always be sad?
No.
Will I eventually stop crying?
Probably.
Is it ok to be sad and angry and lonely and depressed and empty?
ABSOLUTELY!!
I feel buoyed up by all the prayers. I also feel the loving arms of my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ around me as I cry and scream and stomp my feet and ya know what? I know they are crying with me. You know why? Because they know how to mourn with those that mourn.
Elliott is fine. He is GREAT! We will be together for eternity. I just don't get to have him right now and that super sucks. I hate it. I am allowed to hate it.
My Savior lives. He suffered my pain so I don't have to suffer alone. Crying is part of the human experience.
So, when I post on facebook that I am feeling down or I am angry, it's because I am giving the raw truth. You won't see me sugar coat my life. I refuse to be sad and ALONE.
But I will be sad. I will be depressed. I will cry. I will be angry. I will also smile. I will also laugh. I will also get dressed and love my children and my husband and have good days. Heck! I will even have GREAT days!
Will those days have moments of sadness in them?
Absolutely.
Will those days have moments of angry tears?
Probably.
Now I am angry.... Stage 2.
I am angry that my baby is not inside of me anymore. I am angry that I don't get to hold his hand in 6 months and look in his eyes and give him kisses. I am angry and sad and lonely.
Does this mean I have lost my faith? Does this mean I don't trust God? Does this mean that I am not letting the Atonement heal my broken heart? No. None of that.
I KNOW Elliott Milton Heilmann is mine forever. I KNOW I will see him again. I KNOW that he is with God. I KNOW that he was here and now he is not for reasons unknown to me but known to God and I accept that.
Does it take away the pain?
No.
Does it take away the despair?
No.
Does it make me feel sunshine and rainbows?
No.
John 11:35
Jesus wept.
Mosiah 18:9 and Romans 12:15
It is what we do as children of God. We FEEL. We HURT. We CRY. But we still have faith. We still trust.
I am not sitting here stomping around my house and crying non stop. It comes and goes. I let it come and I let it go. Then I let it come again. I don't push it down or hide it away.
I CHOSE to share this. I CHOOSE to keep sharing it. I don't know why other than it feels like the right thing to do for me and maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else who is grieving too.
Will I always be sad?
No.
Will I eventually stop crying?
Probably.
Is it ok to be sad and angry and lonely and depressed and empty?
ABSOLUTELY!!
I feel buoyed up by all the prayers. I also feel the loving arms of my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ around me as I cry and scream and stomp my feet and ya know what? I know they are crying with me. You know why? Because they know how to mourn with those that mourn.
Elliott is fine. He is GREAT! We will be together for eternity. I just don't get to have him right now and that super sucks. I hate it. I am allowed to hate it.
My Savior lives. He suffered my pain so I don't have to suffer alone. Crying is part of the human experience.
So, when I post on facebook that I am feeling down or I am angry, it's because I am giving the raw truth. You won't see me sugar coat my life. I refuse to be sad and ALONE.
But I will be sad. I will be depressed. I will cry. I will be angry. I will also smile. I will also laugh. I will also get dressed and love my children and my husband and have good days. Heck! I will even have GREAT days!
Will those days have moments of sadness in them?
Absolutely.
Will those days have moments of angry tears?
Probably.
Will you find me in quiet moments holding my precious statue a dear friend sent to me and talking to my little Elliott about how much I love him and can't wait to see him someday?
You bet!
Will I sometimes turn away offers of hanging out sometimes and other times call people up desperate to get out of the house?
Ya.
Is all of that ok?
YES!
Jesus Wept...so that I CAN TOO
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