For This Child I Prayed....

  A few months ago, I decided I needed to resurrect the idea of going on a trip to Europe with my sweet girl friends.  We had wanted to spend our 35th Birthday's touring Ireland but I ended up getting pregnant with Emery which in itself was a healing miracle. We decided to try again another year and this felt like our year!

  I contacted my girls and we started throwing around dates.  None of our dates coincided and then we also talked about the possibility of my getting pregnant and I told the girls it made me feel sick to my stomach thinking about putting off getting pregnant just to go on our trip.  We all agreed to just put off our trip and find an alternative way to get together and celebrate.  This time it would be our 37th Birthday. 

  

  Fast forward to November 1st.  My dear friend, Angel, messaged me on Facebook asking if I was pregnant.  She said, "Are you pregnant again?  I just had the thought that you are..."  I assured her that indeed I was not but that is was up for negotiation.    

 

  I don't know the actual date but I do remember the exact moment with perfect clarity that the world got a little sparkly, everything seemed to go in slow motion, and I heard the Spirit of God whisper YOUR PREGNANT!  I kept that close to my heart for many weeks while I waited for my monthly cycle to appear again. 

  On November 21st, we had a Family Home Evening activity of watching a Christmas movie. I kept receiving a distinct impression that someone was missing.  I kept looking around the room counting my family members and saying to myself.."Yes, that's all of us, right?"  

  On November 27th, we were in our Bishops office for Tithing Settlement and he said the same thing!  We all walked in and he stood at the door looking out as if he was waiting for more to come in.  He said, "Is this everyone?  I feel like someone is missing?  You only have 3 kids?"  We just had to laugh and tell him of our previous experience and of course crossed our fingers that we were indeed expecting a little angel.  

  On December 5th I confirmed my suspicion.  I was pregnant!!!  I couldn't believe it!  We had JUST decided to try for baby number 4. But everything leading up to this was so special, I just wanted to share it with the world!  

  I immediately contacted a friend of mine, Nikita, to see if she would take family pictures for me and document the moment when I told Tim and the boys about my exciting surprise.  She, of course, was overjoyed to do so and we set it up. 

 We wasted no time and on December 7th, we shared the joy as a family during our family picture session.  The moments were perfectly documented.

We sent Emery towards Tim with a shirt that said, "Big Brother"

We asked Tim, "What is Emery wearing, Tim!"

He read the shirt and exclaimed, "REALLY?!?"

The moment couldn't have been more perfect.

  We decided to not only share the news as a family, but to share it with our extended family and friends.  We knew it was early but every time I questioned my idea of telling everyone, I told myself that if something went wrong, and we lost the baby, I didn't want to be alone.  (Never thinking that could be a reality).

So, we shared it with the world!!

  Over the next 3 1/2 weeks, everything seemed a little off.  That feeling of my baby's presence started to fade and I started to fear the worst.  I didn't experience many typical normal pregnancy symptoms other than fatigue, some emotional roller coaster rides, and only a few nauseous moments. Often, I had to remind myself that I was pregnant because it still didn't feel real. When the realization came to me, I would get really excited but still had that feeling of "something isn't right" tickling the peripheral of my thoughts. 

  Nightmares of losing my baby were becoming a nightly ritual. I would often tell Tim and friends that I felt something was off but I just didn't know why.  I would get the same reassuring comments, "You are just having a fabulous pregnancy!" "Everything is surely fine!" "Every pregnancy is different."

  I didn't want to admit that I wasn't sure that was true.  But I held it back not wanting to admit anything to myself. 

  This past week, I started having strange discharge that was brownish in color.  I really began to worry.  Again, the reassurances of "That can be normal"  "Not to worry" but again, I couldn't help but worry.  

  I went ahead with all my lab work and scheduling of my appts.  

  By Saturday night, I started to bleed.  My worries got the best of me and I decided to go to the ER.  I waited until the boys went to bed so they wouldn't worry and I drove myself to the ER.  At this point, I feared the worst but I tried to remain positive.  I brought 2 books and an extra sweater figuring I was probably in for a very long and cold night.  

  The nurse came in and attempted to draw blood via IV.  She rooted around for a while in my left arm until she decided to give up and call in reinforcements.  The next nurse arrived and tried on my right arm in the SAME vein that was just recently shish kabobbed but within enough time it was deemed safe.  She also struggled with my tiny vein and her large IV needle and she ended up just extracting enough blood with a syringe for the lab.

  The waiting was the hardest part in between each procedure.  I had an internal exam and then it was time for the ultrasound.

  The sweet Grandma tech talked me through the entire procedure. Since my uterus is so tilted to the back, she had to do an internal exam.  She was lovely as she talked to me about each thing she was measuring.  Then she got to my womb....and all I saw was a black hole.  No baby.  

  She slowly panned in and out an my heart shattered.  I was expecting to see my little green olive sized baby.  Expecting to see little hands and feet.  Expecting to hear my precious babies heart beating telling me everything was ok.  Instead?  Nothing.  Just an empty, lonely, black hole.  

  She sweetly helped me up and invited me to clean off.  I courageously tried to not fall to the ground and fall apart.  She wrapped a warm blanket around my shoulders and sweetly tucked me in to my wheel chair and parked me to wait for me escort.  

  I couldn't hold it in any longer and the flood gates opened.  My shattered heart broke free and I cried as silently as I could for what seemed like an eternity.  I tried to be brave as the cleaning lady walked back and forth in front of me and the next patient lay quietly beside me waiting for her turn in the ultrasound room.

  I sat and cried for probably 15 min and then I was wheeled back into my room.  I mustered up a smile and a thank you to my tech and complimented her on her shoes.  She left the room and I lost the ability to breath.
  My baby.  My sweet baby was gone.  Just, gone.  All that was left was a black hole.  An empty, lonely, black hole.  At this point it was in the wee hours of Sunday and I messaged Tim out of bed and tried to understand what was happening.  I was left to cry and learn to breath once more in silence.  While I waited, the two nurses came back in and requested more blood.  This time, they used the butterfly needle on the back of my hand. All I could think of was, "I am full of holes.  Empty, lonely, painful, holes."  

  Where was my baby?  

  The Dr. came in with that look that no mother EVER wants to see.  He had already established a rapport with me and it was a comfortable, confusing, devastating explanation. 

  My baby failed to grow.  For the last 10 weeks my body was trying to make a baby but something went wrong.  Every test was positive.  The Dr. said my pregnancy tests would still read positive for a few days.  My HCG was over 10,000.  

  He told me that I likely had a blighted ovum.  Basically my baby never really made it past fertilization.  

  He gently, kindly, gave me my instructions for follow up care and sent me on my way.  

  

  I packed my bag.  Cleaned myself up.  And tried to walk with dignity out to my car and drive home...alone...at 4am.

  We awoke on Sunday morning and spent the day as a family crying, hugging, and watching movies.  After the time that Church ended, my sweet friend Lura dropped by to bring a box of fudge.  I heard a familiar voice at the door and I got up from my couch cocoon and fell into her arms and burst into tears on her shoulder.  All I could say was, "My baby is gone!  My baby is gone!"  

  She just held me and whispered sweet words and let me cry.  It was everything that I needed.  She said that she just had a feeling that she needed to bring fudge by after church.  Oh how right she was.  Thankfully, her entire family had come and her husband was able to come in and assist Tim in a beautiful, healing blessing.

  Today, Monday, I woke up to extreme, rolling, contractions.  It was a desperate circumstance and thankfully Tim was still home.  I had trouble focusing as the pain was so intense.  Emotionally, it just felt oh so wrong to feel like I was getting ready to deliver...but what?  Nothing.  It lasted for an eternity that was probably more like 30 min.  Finally, I felt like I had to run to the bathroom and before I knew it, it was over.  

  I think I felt more empty in that moment than I had ever felt.  As the day has gone on, I am just left with pains, emotional and physical, fatigue, dizziness, shakiness, and then the most intense, blinding series of stomach cramps that empty me some more. 

  

  The realization is coming in waves.  

  I called to cancel Tristan's Occupational Therapy appt and was told that I was going to have a cancellation fee.  It was such a punch in the gut.  I had to tell them that I simply COULDN'T bring him in because I was experiencing a miscarriage.  The receptionist on the line just callously said, "I will make a note on your file.  Ok, goodbye."  UGH.  It was emotionally horrible to feel shut down and punished for something completely out of my control.  

  I was able to text Tristan's Applied Behavioral Analysis appts for the week of which there are 3.  Thankfully, I was able to just say we were dealing with a family tragedy and needed to cancel the week.  They replied in perfect sympathy and even asked what they could do for our family.  What a relief that was! 

  Tim came home early.  He said he went to work and his Physicians Assistant asked him how his weekend was.  He said, "Not great!  My wife is having a miscarriage!"  His P.A. offered to take over his patients today and he was able to come home.  He then spent the rest of the morning rescheduling our Orthodonitist appt., cancelling my OB Nurse intake appt., my OB Nutrition class and called to get me an Acute Care Follow Up with an OB for tomorrow.  

  So, tomorrow, I have to drive about an hour to the Military Hospital and do yet ANOTHER blood draw, and then wait for 2 hours for my appt.  This isn't over yet but each moment is easier than the last.  I do have to cope with the waves of emotion that come as I have to answer questions for well meaning friends and family or receive a hug from my boys with an inquiry of how I am doing. 

  I hope that writing this all out will give me the ability to recover, understand, and move forward in this bizarre process.  

  So, now I have an angel in heaven.  Did my sweet angel try to come and break his/her 'ship' from shear awesomeness?  Is he/her waiting for take two for a turn sailing on earth?  Or was that all that this amazing little person needed and now he/she is waiting with the Lord, my GG, and others who have gone before me for the day when I can meet them again?  I keep praying and asking but for now I am just going to think on the last 10 weeks and try to find peace.